Stay alert to withstand zombie attacks

Several Fermilab physicists keep an eye out for roving herds of zombies. Zombies are known to attack via ambush tactics. Fermilab safety experts agree that every small precaution goes a long way. Photo: "Headless" Reidar Hahn

Several Fermilab physicists keep an eye out for roving herds of zombies. Zombies are known to attack via ambush tactics. Fermilab safety experts agree that every small precaution goes a long way. Photo: “Headless” Reidar Hahn

Here at Fermilab, attacks by raging hordes of the undead are rare. But it is still important to remain up to date on the latest zombie safety techniques. Following these simple procedures will ensure that you and your co-workers remain uninfected by any zombie plague that spreads across the world, reanimating the dead and filling them with a blind brain-lust.

  • Watch for signs of zombie incursion. Those signs may include the tortured screams of innocent victims, a low-pitched growling sound emanating from the woods or the smell of decaying flesh. Do not rely on the Centers for Disease Control to alert you to zombie plague outbreaks.
  • Wear your personal protective equipment. This includes goggles to prevent infectious zombie blood from getting in the eyes and heavy work gloves to stave off zombie bites. Face masks are not necessary, since zombie plagues can rarely be transmitted through the air.
  • Barricading doors and windows is helpful, but will only hold off the undead for a few minutes at most. Know your exit routes, and be sure they are clear of zombies before using them.
  • Teamwork is often necessary to coordinate an effective escape. In the event of an incursion, emergency wardens are responsible for creating diversions to throw off the zombie hordes.
  • Remember: To end the undead, aim for the head!

Keep these tips in mind, and you, too, may survive the zombie apocalypse. Be safe!