News at work

In the past three decades, the state of Illinois has not received a single report of a coyote attacking a human. However, just this month, several employees and visitors have reported being bitten or scratched by a coyote-like animal on site. Neighbors have reported unusual howling sounds coming from the woods at night and a small uptick in missing pets at certain times of the month.

The situation is under investigation, but until ecologists can put together a full report, employees and visitors are advised to avoid all wild animals in the canine family, particularly ones that:

1. Seem to be larger than a typical coyote, with a squared muzzle and shorter, rounded ears.

2. Howl instead of yip or yelp.

3. Seem to appear out of nowhere after a cloud shifts, revealing a full moon.

4. Seem to be wearing ripped clothing or even glasses.

5. Walk on hind legs.

6. Bear a strange resemblance to a neighbor or coworker.

Remember: You are our eyes and ears on the site. Please report all incidents to Fermilab ecology, and, in the event of an encounter with such a creature, please note the timing on a lunar calendar and visit Fermilab medical during daylight hours.