Desktop monitors are luring unsuspecting researchers into portals to the fiery underworld with seductive whispers, hypnotic dirges and strange data anomalies that require close inspection. Computing experts advise users not to touch their screens, no matter how many 5-sigma results appear.
Roughly half of the center’s displays are rotating freely and periodically expelling a foul-smelling green substance. The remainder alternate between eyeless faces and episodes of “Big Bang Theory.” Several employees have reportedly gone insane after viewing the monitors.
The new remote operations center featured futuristic gleaming white walls just a few days ago, but those are now covered with hundreds of scrawlings of Schroedinger’s wave equation. The whiteboards are still clean, with the exception of a phrase that appeared late last night: “Enemies of the heir, beware. The time projection chamber of secrets has been opened.”
Director Nigel Lockyer denied that the issues in ROC West are connected to a weathered tome he found in Ramsey Auditorium following the NOvA presentations.
“I only read two paragraphs of the text out loud, and I’m sure it was something about neutrinos,” Lockyer trailed off during a press conference. “Even if it was an incantation, there’s no way that last section was just part of the footer.”
With ROC West cordoned off for the foreseeable future, users running muon or neutrino experiments can occupy additional space in ROC East. Although there is currently no danger, researchers should keep an eye on the giant Higgs boson that is slowly clawing its way out of the main projection screen.