Tevatron reanimated

It took two teracandles to raise the Tevatron from underground. Photo: Kalle Gustafsson

It took two teracandles to raise the Tevatron from underground. Photo: Kalle Gustafsson

Scientists hoped that bringing the Tevatron back to life would yield more insights into the nature of space, time and reality. What they got instead was a ring hoping to set a world record beyond the bounds of physics.

A group of 500 physicists calling themselves “The Cult of the Tev” reanimated the ring through a series of incantations on Wednesday morning. Circling the survey tower at the center of the ring, half of the group hummed harmonics while the other half chanted Maxwell’s equations.

The Crew Chief, hooded in black, then placed her key in the Lockout/Tagout box, doused the container in lubricating oil, and lit the container on fire. (Members of the Fire Department and Roads and Grounds were on hand with fire extinguishers during this controlled burn).

Immediately, the ground began to shake. Cracks split along the 4-mile circumference of the tunnel housing the superconducting behemoth. Earth shifted as the ring shimmied to the surface, letting out a loud groan as it awoke from slumber. Magnets creaked as the Tevatron leaned onto its side and peered down at its dazed fans.

“Oh Tevatron,” shouted the Crew Chief, “will you help us collide particles once more?”

The gigantic ring moved close to the Crew Chief and whispered something in her ear. After a brief consultation, the Crew Chief turned to her followers.

“It says it wants to fly away and join the circus,” she said. “Its life goal is to get in the Guinness Book of World Records as the biggest ring toss ring.”

Negotiations are currently under way with the City of Chicago to see if Willis Tower can be used as a post for the ring toss. The Tevatron also agreed that if a suitable skyscraper in Chicago cannot be found, it will fly to a different city such as New York or Dubai.

Perhaps when the Tevatron has had a chance to fulfill its life’s dream, it will return to Fermilab for scientific endeavors, or at least to advise younger magnets working at the lab.