Thirteenth floor renovation plans nearly finished, definitely not evil

Here's your sneak peek of the renovations that are taking place right now on Wilson Hall's 13th floor. They are definitely not spooky. Photo: Jacob Surland

Here’s your sneak peek of the renovations that are taking place right now on Wilson Hall’s 13th floor. They are definitely not spooky. Photo: Jacob Surland

Work is almost finished on plans for the refurbished 13th floor of Wilson Hall, according to Building Manager John Kent, who says the completed renovation will in no way be scary, spooky or evil.

“I’ve heard rumors circulating that there’s some nefarious purpose behind this renovation, and that is simply not true,” Kent said, unrolling blueprints printed on scrolls of yellowed parchment adorned with pentagrams. “I don’t know where people get these ideas.”

Ask Kent for his favorite new features on the 13th floor, and he’ll point out the wider office spaces, the cobweb-covered conference rooms, the gargoyle-festooned archways lit only by flickering torches, and the runes carved into the stone walls.

The centerpiece attraction of the new floor plan is a massive black cauldron of bubbling green liquid, the purpose of which no one was able to explain.

“This? I don’t know what this does. Something science-y,” said Rhonda Merchut of FESS who is in charge of the renovation. “Definitely not something demonic.”

Most buildings in the United States do not include 13th floors – they skip from the 12th to the 14th, a tradition based in long-held superstition – while many others simply do not use their 13th floors, leaving them unoccupied.

“There’s just nothing to those ideas,” said Fermilab’s chief operating officer Tim Meyer. “Wilson Hall has a 13th floor, and aside from a few times when people reported strange cackling at night, and a few ghost sightings, and that thing with the fire extinguishers coming to life, we’ve seen nothing supernatural up there. It’s as normal as any other floor in the building.”

Kent said the renovations should be finished by the end of next year, after which the 13th floor will house a new team of ghost-particle-hunting scientists who are definitely not necromancers or servants of darkness.

“I’m glad to set everyone’s minds at ease,” Kent said. “It’s just another floor, like any other, and we’re all happy with how evil the new renovation plans look.”

“Wait, did I say evil? I meant spiffy,” he said with a nervous laugh.